Paris my first morning

Well the day started off all wrong. I got lost, wondered around for two hours and realized that paris is very expansive. It started to rain, I was under dressed and growing hungry. Determaned to walk and not give in to the metro I saw some interesting parts of town. I didnt know that I was in the dodgy bit untill I found the not so dodgy parts of Paris. It was not unlike Canal street in NY, lots of cheep stores and sidwalk stalls selling things for pennys. There is a strange past time of some men who hang around the entrances to the metro station and shout things to the women going in or comming out. They seem like questions by their gestures and intonation but the women walk past them as if they were ghosts. So I stare past them too and wonder what it is they are asking, or wanting? Also I discovered that I must have an international face that says "I am a Sucker" because I got stoped by a guy on the pavment with a clip board. When I explained that I didnt speak French he tried his hardest in pigion english to get me to sign up a monthly payment to save the children. Are you kidding me? I dont even live here, I couldnt belive that he was still trying, and I couldnt belive that I was still listening to him, because I couldnt remember how to say no thank you.

I was growing even more discruntled with Paris, increasingly wet in the rain and very hungry so I started to look for a cafe with Wifi were I could sit, dry off and maybe catch up with people. That alone took an hour, Wifi is not very prolific in the dodgy neighborhoods. So I enter this lovely little cafe and there are a thousand free tables but the waitress sits me down next to two guys who were sitting at a booth for 4. Eh? I was mortified joining there table soaking wet, and with a bag full of things. However they seemed nice, they greated me in english, moved the bread basket over to me, and poored me a glass of wine from their bottle. Oh Joy! So I was a bit confused are we sharing a bill? However I was polite and accepted the bread to wash down the vile taste of the wine I now felt obligated to drink. The waitor then brought me my own bread and wine. So I guess we have our own check but what do I do with all this wine? Well when in Rome...So I used my bottle of wine to top up both of their glasses, right to the top! I had forgoten more French than I had wanted to admit, the only 3 or 4 things I could read on the menue were 16 Euros. So I took a plunge and ordered the mystery dish that was 8 Euros. Turns out it was large flat bread with 3 types of dried raw meat, melted blue cheese, and fete cheese sprinkled on top. So I was in hell. I was litteraly dripping wet, sitting next to two very friendly French men drinking wine, and eating raw smelly food. Neither here nor there I survived. They were very helpful in translating to the waiting staff for me, and helping me get the bill.

So I left determaned to have a better day from there on out.

My first young persons Hostel

Arriving at my hostel I was horrified to find a loby covered in Chilli ferry lights and a foozball table in the middle. There were lots of younger folk milling around and most of them had strange hair cuts. Although one man looked like he had never had a hair cut in his life, or a brush for that matter. I specificaly booked a tiny hostel in the middle of no where cause it said it was peacefull, quiet, has a very very early curfew, and the little old lady who ran it would never shut up about Paris history. What were all these crazy bohimiens doing in my peacfull new home? Never mind, after an agonizing climb up 6 floors I found my little rickety and slightly dusty door at the back corner. In the room were two of Korea's most silent people. Bliss! They are very tidy, extremely shy, and bow at me constantly. So I can ignore the crazy lobby and head straite for my silent, sterilized room, where I can pretend that they think Im royalty. Sadly I have not run into the crazy lady yet but so far the hostel will do. A totally French breakfast is included (pastries, crossants, fruit, and lots and lots of Nutella) so I was a happy camper this morning. Very late in the middle of the night a Brazillian from San Paulo arrived. Gabriela and I talked alot about Brazil over breakfast and she is rather lovely. Also a worried traveler, terribly homesick, and about my age so we are getting along and she ofsets any errie silences from the two Koreans so over all Home is nice. Henry is traveling with me and approves of the top bunk as he says "its cool", I am surrviving it.
xxx

The Train to Paris

Ok the beginning of my epic adventure was not nearly as cool as I would have hoped. I have such a fascination with Fairy Tales that I thought my travels would begin with curiosity, or a sense that something great was about to happen. Not with the picture of reality that was myself clinging to Andrew, and vocally bawling like a child. I was shaking from the knees down not unlike my childhood dog CookiesandCream when she really really needed out to pee, or was freezing cold. Riddled with fear of the unknown and the horrors of my imagination I began to beg. I pleaded to stay, to have Andrew come with me, I professed my fear, several profanities, all before I started to barter things I knew would be tempting to others in exchange for a way out of this trip. There is an odd sort of selfishness that comforts you when you give up preconceived notions of acceptable adult behavior and allow yourself to make a scene at the train station. First of all you may not get exactly what you want but you do get a whole bunch of attention, that should keep your energy levels up. That and there was a sense of release and careless abandon in my behavior that ironically mirrored some of the character aspects I am hoping to develop on my journey. So in retrospect I am mortified at my spineless actions this morning but learning to be a little more selfish is not nesisarily a bad thing on my part. Whats done is done, and we are moving forward.

First of all I would like to say a big Thank You to my love Andrew for supporting my legless crying, helping me on to the train so that I could move forward with my travels, and especially finding my seat so that I was facing forward cause this train is making me nautious as it is, I cant even imagine if I was going the wrong way. To all my fans out there in the world take note that the bacon roll may be the Scots breakfast of choice but its never good when combined with adreneline caused by fear, a high speed train, and attempts to read.

So I find myself on the train to Paris, due to terminate in an entirely different country, one that doesn't speak my languadge, where I should be in time for tea. I have been reading, sleeping and trying to remember why I decided to put myself through this. I will try to re-cap for those of you who never knew why, or for those of you who may have forgotten the reasons for my resolve after this morning It all started when I watched the movie Stardust on the big screen and thought once again "I wish I was in love like that!" I have this type of thought rather frequently as I mentioned earlier I have a bit of a thing for fairy tales and true love. So I began to think about all my favorite stories and what were the elements they had in common, travel, frightining or occasionally near death experiences, transformation, and a redefinition of what home is. I have always been a bit of a scaredy cat so the realization that blissful success would only come to those whom faced some fears, grew as a person, and redefined the very place that is the safest and most familiar was exteremly depressing. However as I am 27 and tiered of letting my fears dictate where and how I shall live so I decided to go Backpacking. It was the most terrifying thing I could think of that will ensure growth and some courage on my part. There is so much more to my desision than just my fears, but that seems to be the one rearing up today so its the one that got the press time. Stay tuned with this blog and you may see other themes develop later.

So here I am ready to go. Getting ready was an adventure in itself. Packing enough for 6 weeks, and remaining mobile takes a special kind of skill. I wanted to be surrounded by items (or for the sake of the story, weapons of power) that would help me fight my way through this emotional transformation. I have lucky tallismans, books for inspiration, and journals to record my epic path. I wanted to bring a copy of Alice and Wonderland with me as it is my all time favorite book, and one about a young girl having a rather unusual exploration herself. However on sale there was also Ann of Green Gables another strong willed young woman comming of age. If you bought 2 books the 3rd was free so I grabbed a copy of Aesops Fables as well. With a novel of tips and tricks for traveling gifted to me by my older brother and the family whom are vastly experienced in the art of travel. After adding Arestotol poetry, Lonely planets guide to Europe and a few other books for fluff I found my little day bag is actually heavier than my large backpack full of clothes. I even had to take out some pajamas, and my favorite pair of black and white 1940's heels so I had room for all the books. I did pause for a moment bemused that, I, of all people were sacrificing room for books, something must be different already, cause I hate reading. More strength from the women in my life came along in the form of my bookmark made by my sister who traveled right along side my brother, and never once made an embaressing display of her fears in the train station. I have a little pillow sachet from my GrandMary that tells me dreams do come true. A bag full of photos of my family and moms mint tea bags cause the smell reminds me of home. I have the little rainbow coloured ribbon of one of my brothers traveling bags, a stunning bracelet in blue made with secrete powers from Camelot by my wee nephew Avery. My music player is full of my fathers jazz. From Andrew I constantly wear my Thistle necklace with a secret sapphire in it, and now a small silver celtic knot work ring to keep Scotland with me no matter where I am. Then of course I have Henry, the ever loyal and fearless Henry. He will be by my side through the entire trip and has enough excitement to fill a world cup stadium so I'm glad for his love and friendship.

Well I think I am as ready as I could have been, the rest is going to have to be a surprise. Thank you so much to all those who helped support me to get me here. I'm on the train to Paris, and so the journey begins. I love you, xxxx

Beginings

ok here is a test of my new blog software. I hate that it spell checks me as I type I really hope it lets me get rid of that. ok lets test this.

Why Im going to travel Europe

So the drama queen in me was feeling the need to re-claim her stage. This post is all about me!!!!

Why have I decided to go traveling? Many many reasons, some of which I will try to explain, but I'm sure the last of which will seem the most crazy and yet is probably the most responsible for my decision.

1) I was sitting describing to my councilor one day all the lovely places I dream of seeing at some point in my life. She asked why not now? I replied that I didn't have any one to go with and I didn't see any point in going alone. Bridie asked me what someone else has to do with me seeing the world, and I explained that sharing a sunset is always better than seeing one alone. She didn't buy it, and wanted me to describe why a sunset is less valuable, colourful, or breathtaking alone that with someone there beside me. I couldn't really answer, I have always had people around me to share in my every experience and when they weren't there I came home and re-enacted the whole thing for them any way. I guess I just prefer to share things but sharing an experience or not, shouldn't change the quality of the experience had in the first place.

My silence prompted her to ask some other important questions; "Do you have any children? A mortgage? A successful and full time career? Huge financial obligations? Any disability's? A long term lease? Huge amounts of property? Any legal obligations?" I sat silenced with a perplexed look on my face so she continued; "Do you think getting away is going to be easier when you have a family, a mortgage, a career, and financial obligations, then now when you seem as free as a bird and are still young? Are you getting any younger? If you cant convince yourself to go now will you be able to convince yourself when you have all of these excuses against you?" After a long pause she asked the big one; "What are you waiting for?" "Hmmmm I guess for the fear to go away," I replied!

2) Then it came time to think about my visa that was going to expire. I knew that there weren't any University courses that I wanted to attend worth £9000 debt per annum, and despite my efforts I hadn't found a job in the arts willing to sponsor my work visa. I did not see the point in working for a large corporation just for a visa when what I really wanted was to start working toward my career in Theatre. So I booked a pilgrimage to NY (that post still to come). My intent was to see if I was ready to move home, as my options were CA, Colorado, or NY. The long and the short of the trip was that although I love my city, it didn't feel like home, in fact I was rather homesick the entire time, and I was only gone 6 days. So I am not welcome to stay here in Scotland legally for much longer, I don't want to continue my education, I have no career in the arts, and am not really sure where home is meant to be. Talk about being a little lost in life. However they say there is no better way to find your true home, then to leave the one you've got.

In all the thinking I have done over the last year with various living situations, dating situations, and occupations, while attending counseling, with a visa expiration looming, after the completion of a pilgrimage, I began to think about the kind of woman I want to be, and more importantly the kind of memories I want to have. At first I couldn't tell you, I honestly had no clue, so this quote kept haunting me; "Some times you have to get lost to find yourself." Then I began to narrow it down and envision this amazing woman full of confidence and interesting stories to tell. Well those kind of people aren't just born, they are carefully molded through life's experiences and their travels along the way. I began to realize that a heart full of fear wasn't very conducive to interesting life travels, and stories of exotic experiences.

3) Then I saw this movie Stardust, its a fairy tale about a star (also a woman) that falls from the heavens and her heart continues to fall. Essentially she falls madly in love with a very nice, very good looking man who doesn't know it yet but is actually a prince. A famous star, falls in love with a prince... hmmm.... sound like my kind of movie? It definitely is. However it seemed to be much more than just a good movie to me, it was inspiration.

I was sitting one day dreaming about my very own fairy tale and wondering at what point my prince is meant to enter. Then I began to question if it's really very healthy to continue to allow myself to delve into such childlike fantasies all the time, or if I'm wishing for things that don't exist.

So I decided to approach it logically. Do modern fairy tales actually exist? Well first one needs to define, what is a fairy tale specifically? Sure we have our romantic comedies, and Hollywood spins its magic over lots of true love stories, but what makes a fairy tale different. So I Googled! I was surprised that there have been many studies on fairy tales, including one by Mr Tolkien himself. In his essay on fairy tales he catalogues each re-occurring aspect and diagrams all the pieces that tend to make a complete story.

Well most of it isn't relevant, however a few re-occurring themes caught my eye; Magic seems to happen when the characters are most in need because they are full of despair, near danger, or a tragedy. The main characters always experience some type of travel away from home, or their comfort zone and often alone. Frequently they have to trust a stranger, or elicit help from someone along the way. People are not always what they seem, and trust seems to be blindly given with out prejudgment. In many of the fairy tales the character does not return to the same home they once left, or if they do they are usually changed or have grown in some dramatic way. And finally fairy tales are always blessed with unusually happiness especially in the endings.

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So essentially I thought maybe I should consider going on an adventure, traveling away from home, far out of my comfort zone, placing myself near danger, getting intentionally lost, learning to trust in the kindness of strangers, gaining friends in unlikely places, and growing or changing in some dramatic way. Perhaps then I will find myself, experience magic, discover what home means to me, become a confident woman full of crazy stories to tell, a heart full of love and trust rather than fear. Perhaps along the way I will meet a prince, or maybe I am destined to be the leading character in my own story, prince not required. (Think Alice in Wonderland)

Although it frightens me to death I have decided to travel Europe, all by myself. I am making preparations now, saving all my spare funds, and aim to depart in less than a year, for as long as I can afford to go.

Best Friends to Boyfriends

The 1st photo is of this last Thanksgiving (Andrew is the one in my favorite blue shirt on the left.) The Second shot is us in our formal attire at a charity ball.

Andrew do you feel your ears burning???? That would because I have been singing around the house "wake up wake up my dear, its well past noon, the 1 O'Clock gun has gone off, breakfast long gone, and lunch will be soon, wake up wake up my dear, if you were here I would throw something at you, in the most caring and loving way. Tra La Tra LA" Or perhaps because I am typing a blog entry about you and now the whole Internet will know your still sleeping.

Hmmmm. Bless! What to do with a Boyfriend who is a night owl and really cant bring himself to see the light of dawn? Mostly we go on evening dates, mostly to the cinema with our fancy unlimited movie cards, so our dates are mostly free. Our relationship is definitely a jeans and t-shirt, casual, free, relaxed kind of environment. Id say its a "No Stress" arrangement, but I'm far to dramatic for that. He knows and accepts my high maintenance and maybe I can even venture to say he loves me for it, although its generally preferred after mid day.

So I know that many of you will be wondering who is this man that I am calling boyfriend? Andrew James Fleming, the full title I only use when he is in trouble although occasionally that can be substituted for Arse Monkey if the situation applies.

I met him working the summer before last on the tour buses. He was working on a management internship and was meant to be my boss for 6 weeks, although none of us listened to him, (come to think of it we don't listen to our regular boss either, hmmmm) I'm not really sure what possessed me to be so bold, as I'm normally very shy but I walked right up to him and said "I don't know you. Who are you, and what are you doing working on the Tours? Oh I'm sorry I'm Clarice by the way." I think I surprised him a little but what ever, it worked. We started talking, flirting and generally hit it off. I tried to give him my number and he refused, primarily because he was clueless to my flirtations, but I was again unusually persistent.

He liked musicals so I asked him to come see something with me at the Fringe Performance festival. Awwwww and that's how the 1st date was born, awkward and all. It was a terrible performance, I chatted incessantly about all the wrong things over dinner, and generally we were nervous. However we were nervous together and that's what counts.

Well things went on this way for 2 or 3 more dates, but it wasn't moving smoothly. I'm sure my enthusiastic, energetic, demanding, high maintenance self was overwhelming for the poor guy. However his laid back, non-responsive, casual, relaxed, if not slightly lazy attitude towards every thing was driving my anal-retentive side insane. So we agreed to be friends. Well that was an interesting learning experience. Despite efforts on both parts, we kept flirting, and finding ourselves in date like situations.

I have memories of road trips, camping weekends, Boxing day with his family, late night movies, and fudge Sundays at my place, many dinners for two, or movie dates. We have done interesting activities such as midnight walks through creepy graveyard's, and slightly inebriated swimming excursions in the large gold fountain in the Princess Street Gardens around 2 am in November. He tried to teach me to ski, and I nag him constantly about the little details he usually forgets. So although Andrew quickly became one of my closest friends we often had to explain ourselves to others, re-iterating constantly that "There was nothing GOING ON between us!!!!" Honestly and genuinely there wasn't. I dated a few other guys, Andrew flirted with many other women (flirting is one of his subconscious talents, that I'm working on helping him to make it a more conscious thought) We were very close, and loved to hang out, but tried very hard to keep the intimacy at bay so our friendship could survive.

It didn't work. One random night I had a cold, just finished putting Menthol vapor rub on my chest, a stuffy nose, and probably looked like death warmed over, and Andrew starts flirting with me again. Don't know if it was my weakened state, or his irresistible smile but I caved in big time. We both kind of ignored that night and let our friendship balance dangerously on the edge of romantic and platonic mutual affection.

This lasted about 3 weeks before I called him and demanded to talk, then confessed to having feelings for him. Dunnn Dunnn Dunnn! Oh dear, my best friend, what a scandal!!!!! Then despite the tiny sparkle of a smile appearing in his eyes, the annoying man asked me to take a weekend to sleep on it. "Just to be sure, we were risking a lot after all. " Well Andrew is the only person I know who could actually sleep for an entire weekend. I felt like it was 3 days of absolute hell, but I did as I was told and I thought long and hard.

I thought about how he makes me laugh, the way his smile melts me from inside, how we know each other so completely, the adventures we have had, the ones I still dream of exploring, and the arguments we have survived. Technically we only had 1 argument as a couple but countless screaming matches as friends. So it couldn't get any worse really. I guess in the end I felt that one should always give love a chance. (or as to not make any thing seem that serious or permanent "Strong liking" I believe that's the stupid contemporary term for a long term relationship that isn't serious. Although personally I think that's a ridiculous concept all together. How can any one not be serious about any thing long term? Perhaps its the drama queen in me but every thing I do is a serious pressing matter!!!)

So we have officially been an item for 2 months and 5 days now, (but who's counting).

Unemployed Confidence

Hello every one. OK so its been a year since I've posted. Yea... OK... that's terrible. Well there is way to much to update you in one go, so I will give you the important ones. I have a new boyfriend, I'm going traveling all around Europe within a years time, and I'm very very happy with my life right now.

So What have I been doing recently? Not a lot, I'm unemployed. However I have been learning some interesting things about myself. 1) I have a great many skills that can be used in a variety of jobs. I am very skilled in office work, call center, sales, hospitality, drama, dance, and I just had an interview for an ABS crew man...(able bodied seaman) I would just love to put that on my CV. I am giving private tuition in both drama and dance and absolutely loving it. It doesn't pay my bills but it is fairly regular and counts for about 25% of my total income. I have been temping at all sorts of places for the last 4 weeks including BMW, and leaving every place I have been with a small whole they didn't know they had. I am looking forward to returning to my seasonal Tour guide job in March, and will be happy to be reunited with many of my friends there.

2) No matter what I do, I seem to make a lasting impression on the people whom I am working with. My students all adore me, and I feel very close to all of them. My workmates at the tours miss me desperately, and every temp assignment I have had mentioned a sorrow at the end of my contract. I have always been nice, and I would think generally sociable (if not a bit shy). I think I'm just finally learning to share it with people outside of the family and flatmate circle. So that is a very good sign. Something I have needed to learn since high school.

3) It doesn't matter to me what I grow up to be, or how much I make, so long as I'm working with people I love, doing a job that I adore, and leaving with a good reputation behind me. I have discovered that I don't have to sell myself as an office slave, or settle for the 9-5 because I can make it on my own doing what I love. Being unemployed in the middle of a recession for 6 weeks is not fun or easy, but I managed, and now know that I always will. Not only did I manage, but I am still doing what I love, working toward a career in the arts, and leaving every one I meet with a warm feeling at having gotten to know me.

This is a huge realisation for me because its about the confidence to be able to travel, go into the theater world, back to NY, or what and where ever I want, and knowing that I will be OK. I have a bag of tricks (as my drama teacher use to call it) and I'm learning how to use them.